Many of you D.C. residents may be familiar with the Prince of Petworth blog.  POP always has its finger on the palpitating pulse of the city, and so, naturally, POP sent out an intrepid young reporter to get an inside scoop on the Insurgency the other evening. Of course we really gave away nothing of ourselves because we are nothing, nothing but the blank screen upon which you all may project your own insurgent desires... 

SeeStory 

The Insurgency would like to wish all of you a Happy Bastille Day!  Just a little reminder that you aren't out there insurging by yourselves.  Pancakes is with you all the way.  And just maybe he'll storm the Bastille that surrounds your heart, and finally it'll be free to commence its own reign of terror! 

The Wall Street Journal reports that Coke sales have plummetted in the first quarter of 2008.  This is widely rumored to have been caused, in part, by the release of our High Fructose Corn Syrup T. 

Join us as we continue to bring the battle to Fructose Fructose Ghali's henchmen. 

Also, the Argonaut has Pabst in cans, ok, hipsters? 

As part of the Insurgency's contribution to the ongoing "War on Christmas", we would like to wish all of you a very secular "Happy Holidays".  Let us hope that baby Jesus keeps his nose out of all our gift giving and quality time with the family this year.  I mean, it's not like we hate baby Jesus, but he doesn't really insurge enough for our liking.  Also, he's too pro-fish and not pro-breakfast enough from what we've discerned.  No way we can get behind somebody like that.  Jesus is flat un-American in that way. 

That said, many people have been writing in lately to ask us which t-shirt Jesus would buy, and Insurgent Aaron, a religion major, has provided us with an answer:

Jesus would buy Gay on Tuesdays. 

The White House X-mas party was held last night and naturally, the Insurgency's intelligence operation had someone on the inside.  We're told that the lamb tasted suspiciously like pork.  We can only assume this was a right-wing Christian ploy to entice the semitic peoples in attendance to break their dietary rules and force them into denigrating their traditions.  We're also told that Wolf Blitzer drank an inappropriate amount of egg nog, his beard growing yellower and yellower around the mouth as the evening went on.  

Sadly, that's all we can share for now.   

The other day while insurgent Matt and I were insurging, a powerful hunger befell us and set us to musing on which local eatery would be up to task of filling the ol' gut.  After much deliberation, I said something like "Fuck it.  I'm going to Quiznos." I hadn't been to Quiznos in many moons, but I vaguely remembered some spicy sandwich that sated me once upon a time.

I walked down the block to the Quiznos on Pennsylvania Ave SE and when I entered this is more or less what went down:

(A young, squat, Salvadorean woman stood at the register)

Me:  Hey, you guys still got that spicy sandwich I ate here many moons ago?

YSSW:  Espicy Club?

Me:  Gotta be.  I'll take one.

YSSW:  You want large or regular?

Me:  I'll go regular.  (watching my figure)

YSSW: You want combo?  Chips and drink?

Me:  Sure.  (not watching figure that much)

YSSW:  nine dollars. 

Me:  What's that?

YSSW: nine dollars

Me:  when you say "nine", do you maybe mean "five" or "six"?

YSSW: (confusedly) no combo?

Me:  I got a regular, right?  Not a large.

YSSW:  Yes, regular. 

Me:  And that's nine dollars.

YSSW: Yes.

Me:  So I'm going to give you this ten, and you're going to give me one dollar back?

YSSW: Yes.

Me:  Cause it's nine dollars. 

Yes: Yes. 

I finally paid the young lady and marched back to the Insurgency compound nine dollars lighter.

And so my point is--fuck Quiznos for charging nine dollars for a freakin spicy club combo.  The Insurgency will not stand for this.  We are formally issuing a death order against that weird puppet that sang their advertisements last year. 

nine feckin dollars.  Best believe I went nuts at the free pepper bar. 

It should come as no surprise to most of you that the national press would be slow to cover a critical story like the burgeoning insurrectionist t-shirt movement that springs forth from the proverbial loins of the T-Shirt Insurgency.  But alas, Jackie Spinner, a visionary Washington Post reporter not long back from Iraq, got wise to our rising wave of influence on the ground and published a story on the Insurgency in the Washington Post today. 

You can check it out here. 

The Insurgency would like to take a brief moment and wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving.  Due to security concerns, the insurgents are never able to gather around the same table and break bread together.  But we hope all of you out there are able spend some QT with friends and family today. 

May your turkeys be tender, may your potatoes be mashed, and may your blankets be smallpox-free.

Sincerely,

T-Shirt Insurgency

With all the hoopla surrounding the president's recent veto of legislation that would have extended and expanded funding for the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP), the Insurgency finds it prudent to weigh in.

SCHIP was established to address the growing number of uninsured children in America by providing  health insurance to families who cannot afford insurance, but make a bit too much money to qualify for Medicaid.  Many Republicans voted against renewed funding for SCHIP and Bush made good on his threat to veto the legislation. 

He may have a point.

What have any of these children done to prove they deserve health insurance?  Of course, parents want their children to be insured, and kids likely want to get better when they fall ill, but what have they done to demonstrate their worthiness of a government handout?  The Insurgency has a proposal that will tackle this issue and just possibly save Lou Dobbs from a life threatening aneurism.

There are an estimated 12 million undocumented immigrants in this country,  and the primary reason they come here is because  there is work for them to do.  This is where the SCHIP kids come in.  Children who benefit from the SCHIP program should be required to work off the health insurance handout they receive from the government by performing jobs typically done by "illegals", thereby reducing market demand for immigrant labor. 

Each state will have to set its own guidelines with respect to how many days children attend school, versus how many days they work as caregivers, landscapers, crop pickers etc...  And before the NEA cries foul, they would do well to remember that sick children rarely attend school anyway.  

Under our proposal, those children could finally earn their good health, and save America from the great Dobbsian nightmare our nation continues to suffer. 

As a result of the recent events surrounding ethnic Kurds in Iraq and Turkey, people have been pressing the Insurgency to make their stance on the Kurdish question known.  Here it is:  The insurgency is pro-Kurdistan.  That is--we support the creation of an independent Kurdish state in parts of what is now Southeastern Turkey, Northern Iraq, Northern Syria, and Northwestern Iran.  

Why: 

The Kurds are the indigenous people of Kurdistan and have a sovereign right to the land and to self-determination.  While not all Kurds presently live within the boundaries of the lines we would suggest for the Kurdish state, If you build it, they will come.  

The Kurds have had their cultural and political rights oppressed since before World War One.  The Iranian Shah banned the Kurdish language, Turkey has denied the Kurds basic cultural rights and political representation since the founding of the country, and Saddam Hussein famously killed thousands of Kurds during his reign.  And that's just a small taste of what they've put up with.  For more check this link out.

The Insurgency is wise to U.S./Israeli funding and arming of PJAK, the Iranian branch of the PKK, and is, of course, wary of the possibility of a U.S. installed head of a new Kurdish state.  We can, unfortunately, already imagine the privatization of the future nation of Kurdistan.  But the fact that nefarious forces may be moving to extract Kurdistan's wealth in order to enrich themselves must not keep Kurdistan from becoming a reality.  That fact is, rather, just one more battle to be fought on the road toward soveriegnty and self-determination. 

The Insurgency will soon make its support for Kurdistan known in T-Shirt form.  And once that happens, can a free and independent Kurdistan be far behind?   

For those of you who may not be familiar with waterboarding, we thought we'd include this handy graphic.

Again, this is a "harsh interrogation method".  Not torture or anything.  And when you're surrounded by the tropical paradise that is southeastern Cuba, do you really care if you feel convinced that you're drowning and close to death?  Probably not.   

Insurgent Matt is sure he could hold out for 4 minutes, but the smart money is on 14 seconds. 

Gitmo shirt