The Insurgency would like to wish all of you a Happy Bastille Day!  Just a little reminder that you aren't out there insurging by yourselves.  Pancakes is with you all the way.  And just maybe he'll storm the Bastille that surrounds your heart, and finally it'll be free to commence its own reign of terror! 

The Wall Street Journal reports that Coke sales have plummetted in the first quarter of 2008.  This is widely rumored to have been caused, in part, by the release of our High Fructose Corn Syrup T. 

Join us as we continue to bring the battle to Fructose Fructose Ghali's henchmen. 

It's been a few months since we've come out with a new shirt, but our much anticipated "High Fructose Corn Syrup" shirt is now available for order.  So now all you Michael Pollan fans can take action and do something about the corn lobby's reign of terror.  Because those bastards can't stand it when people wear witty t-shirts.

You have a simple choice.  Do you support Fructose Fructose Ghali and his diabolical fattening schemes, or do you, like the T-Shirt Insurgency, support the children?  It's totally up to you.  

tshirtinsurgency.com now has a facebook application that lets you share your favorite tshirtinsurgency.com designs with your friends.

When viewing a shirt, you can see how many people selected it as their favorite:

Go have a look on facebook.com

Also, the Argonaut has Pabst in cans, ok, hipsters? 

Back in February aught seven, I was in the fiction stacks at Capitol Hill Books, knee-deep in Dickens.  My co-worker Kyle and I had been shelving away for the better part of the day, talking about various matters, bookstore or otherwise.  We made our way through various topics:  the latest extreme bookclub book Battle Royale, the unshelvability of Maeve Binchy, bookstore owner Jim’s latest rantings (he hated the words “sweet” but loved “awesome” (“OMG” had yet to elbow its way onto the scene)).  

Edwin Drood in hand, I wondered, “Damn, man, we need some more tshirt ideas.  How about something odd, but dope?”

Kyle seemed to know just what we needed, “How about a shirt that just says ‘Wintry Mix’, and then it’ll have a wintry mix on it?”

“Hmm, I don’t get it. (thinking some more and picturing it)  It’s perfect.” 

“Alright, let’s do it.” 

A mere one year later, “Wintry Mix” is here, and it is undeniably odd and dope.                

Some of you may have heard of this online digital "community" thing called Myspace. Well, our space at Myspace just got updated! We added us some pictures, updated some stuff, made it better. Check it out at:

www.myspace.com/tshirtinsurgency

and heck, while you're at it, add us as a friend. We like friends and we'd probably like your friends, too. Assuming they are awesome.

For January, the T-Shirt Insurgency has officially gone Vegan/Vegetarian.  Justin is the only actual full-time vegetarian (hence the musculature?), but we’re joining him at least for this month, and possibly for all of ’08.   We’re not quite sure why we’re doing it.  I don’t think it was health, animal rights, or environmental concerns, though we’ve heard that those are really good reasons.   

To mark this occasion, we’re lowering the price of our Soybomb t-shirt to $12.99 as well.  We'll also give updates of any amusing vegan related developments.  So far, all that's happened is I've eaten alot of hummus and Oreos.   (Yep, Oreos are vegan... best not to think about it.)

And even though we’re all Vegetarian now, our “Bonus Ham” offer still stands.   Shockingly, we are still the only Insurrectionist T-Shirt site to offer this.  Just order all 11 shirts and receive a free ham, simple as that.  

As part of the Insurgency's contribution to the ongoing "War on Christmas", we would like to wish all of you a very secular "Happy Holidays".  Let us hope that baby Jesus keeps his nose out of all our gift giving and quality time with the family this year.  I mean, it's not like we hate baby Jesus, but he doesn't really insurge enough for our liking.  Also, he's too pro-fish and not pro-breakfast enough from what we've discerned.  No way we can get behind somebody like that.  Jesus is flat un-American in that way. 

That said, many people have been writing in lately to ask us which t-shirt Jesus would buy, and Insurgent Aaron, a religion major, has provided us with an answer:

Jesus would buy Gay on Tuesdays. 

One of the most common comments we receive while selling our wares (aside from “Just who do you think you are?”  and “You don’t look so good”) is “I don’t get it.”  This usually occurs after someone takes a gander at our These Pancakes Don’t Run t-shirt.   Well, let me explain. 

Anyone lucky enough to spend significant time in rural America has probably had the pleasure of running across a “These Colors Don’t Run” bumper sticker, probably on a dusty pick-up truck.  Way back in aught six, this phenomenon was a topic of conversation at one of our Insurgency meetings. 

While waxing the wax of the waxer one night, we were considering whether "These Colors Don’t Run" was actually a sound and effective foreign policy posture to assume.  Justin claimed that there might be occasions when these colors should at least shuffle off to the side or step back and assess the situation.  He was quickly voted down though as we explained to him that the only possible policy for a country as great as the United States was to never, ever run.  Justin quickly acquiesced after we reminded him how amazing and purely good the U.S. is, and we decided to honor America and its greatness in T-Shirt/Flapjack form.

Plus, it's a stack of pancakes with a musket.   That's just awesome.

Thus our Insurrectionist Breakfast line was launched. 

The White House X-mas party was held last night and naturally, the Insurgency's intelligence operation had someone on the inside.  We're told that the lamb tasted suspiciously like pork.  We can only assume this was a right-wing Christian ploy to entice the semitic peoples in attendance to break their dietary rules and force them into denigrating their traditions.  We're also told that Wolf Blitzer drank an inappropriate amount of egg nog, his beard growing yellower and yellower around the mouth as the evening went on.  

Sadly, that's all we can share for now.   

The other day while insurgent Matt and I were insurging, a powerful hunger befell us and set us to musing on which local eatery would be up to task of filling the ol' gut.  After much deliberation, I said something like "Fuck it.  I'm going to Quiznos." I hadn't been to Quiznos in many moons, but I vaguely remembered some spicy sandwich that sated me once upon a time.

I walked down the block to the Quiznos on Pennsylvania Ave SE and when I entered this is more or less what went down:

(A young, squat, Salvadorean woman stood at the register)

Me:  Hey, you guys still got that spicy sandwich I ate here many moons ago?

YSSW:  Espicy Club?

Me:  Gotta be.  I'll take one.

YSSW:  You want large or regular?

Me:  I'll go regular.  (watching my figure)

YSSW: You want combo?  Chips and drink?

Me:  Sure.  (not watching figure that much)

YSSW:  nine dollars. 

Me:  What's that?

YSSW: nine dollars

Me:  when you say "nine", do you maybe mean "five" or "six"?

YSSW: (confusedly) no combo?

Me:  I got a regular, right?  Not a large.

YSSW:  Yes, regular. 

Me:  And that's nine dollars.

YSSW: Yes.

Me:  So I'm going to give you this ten, and you're going to give me one dollar back?

YSSW: Yes.

Me:  Cause it's nine dollars. 

Yes: Yes. 

I finally paid the young lady and marched back to the Insurgency compound nine dollars lighter.

And so my point is--fuck Quiznos for charging nine dollars for a freakin spicy club combo.  The Insurgency will not stand for this.  We are formally issuing a death order against that weird puppet that sang their advertisements last year. 

nine feckin dollars.  Best believe I went nuts at the free pepper bar. 

It should come as no surprise to most of you that the national press would be slow to cover a critical story like the burgeoning insurrectionist t-shirt movement that springs forth from the proverbial loins of the T-Shirt Insurgency.  But alas, Jackie Spinner, a visionary Washington Post reporter not long back from Iraq, got wise to our rising wave of influence on the ground and published a story on the Insurgency in the Washington Post today. 

You can check it out here. 

In a long overdue move, your friends at the Insurgency are taking it to the streets in Seattle.  This is the first chance for Seattlites to check out the goods in person.  We'll be at the Punk Rock Flea Market this Saturday, December 1st starting at 10AM.  It's a great event with many local artists and vendors, and around 6PM some bands are playing. 

Here's where to find us:

Underground Events Center

2407 1st Ave., on 1st between Battery and Wall Streets

The Insurgency would like to take a brief moment and wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving.  Due to security concerns, the insurgents are never able to gather around the same table and break bread together.  But we hope all of you out there are able spend some QT with friends and family today. 

May your turkeys be tender, may your potatoes be mashed, and may your blankets be smallpox-free.

Sincerely,

T-Shirt Insurgency

With all the hoopla surrounding the president's recent veto of legislation that would have extended and expanded funding for the State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP), the Insurgency finds it prudent to weigh in.

SCHIP was established to address the growing number of uninsured children in America by providing  health insurance to families who cannot afford insurance, but make a bit too much money to qualify for Medicaid.  Many Republicans voted against renewed funding for SCHIP and Bush made good on his threat to veto the legislation. 

He may have a point.

What have any of these children done to prove they deserve health insurance?  Of course, parents want their children to be insured, and kids likely want to get better when they fall ill, but what have they done to demonstrate their worthiness of a government handout?  The Insurgency has a proposal that will tackle this issue and just possibly save Lou Dobbs from a life threatening aneurism.

There are an estimated 12 million undocumented immigrants in this country,  and the primary reason they come here is because  there is work for them to do.  This is where the SCHIP kids come in.  Children who benefit from the SCHIP program should be required to work off the health insurance handout they receive from the government by performing jobs typically done by "illegals", thereby reducing market demand for immigrant labor. 

Each state will have to set its own guidelines with respect to how many days children attend school, versus how many days they work as caregivers, landscapers, crop pickers etc...  And before the NEA cries foul, they would do well to remember that sick children rarely attend school anyway.  

Under our proposal, those children could finally earn their good health, and save America from the great Dobbsian nightmare our nation continues to suffer. 

We're adding a new feature here at the T-Shirt Insurgency Blog.   We've noticed that some people, from time to time, have trouble understanding all of our shirts.   This is completely understandable, as some of them are meant to be simply absurd, and can be quite difficult to explain.  

To remedy this, Insurgents and their friends are going to get feedback on which shirts are good and bad from the only source we can all trust, moms.

First up is Battlecat, a longtime supporter of the Insurgency. The transcript follows, told in the first person:

Mom: I looked at aaron's tshirt website today.
Me: What'd you think?
Mom: It's okay.
Me: Yeah? You like the shirts?
Mom:Yeah.
Me: Gonna buy some for christmas?
Mom: Yeah.
Me: Really?
Mom: Oh, i dont know. I was just saying that.
Me: What shirt do you like the best?
Mom: "Best War Ever"?
Me: Yeah! Cause like... it is.
Mom: Yeah that's pretty funny. *small giggle*  But i dont think people in central Wisconsin would buy it for the irony.
Me: What about the other ones? You like "Gay on Tuesdays"?
Mom: I don't get it.
Me: (to Aaron): she doesn't get it.
Mom: I like the About Us page, that's pretty good.
Me: It's all true too. Kyle did play one-on-one with Sprewell.
Mom: Wow.
Me: Do you know what that means?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok.
Mom: But it was pretty funny.
Me: You should read the blog.
Mom: Yours?
Me: No, theirs.
Mom: Aunt April reads your blog every day.
Me: I know, she told me.
Mom: You should call her. What was that other shirt I like?
Me: "Some Blood for Oil"?
Mom: Yes! *laughs loudly* That's funny. They should do a shirt about that mountain where all the nuclear waste is being stored.
Me: Yucca?
Mom: Yes. That's major news, they talked about it a lot in the debate tonight.
Me: That's because it's in Nevada and so was the debate.
Mom: Oh.
Me: Yeah...
Mom: Well I'm glad I'm not from Nevada.
Me: You like "Melancholy Ninja"?
Mom: I don't get it.
Me: He's all sad and stuff.
Mom: I must not be the demographic.
Me: There is no demographic! Fuck the system!
Mom: Yeah! Fuck the system!
Me: How about this.. "Everybody Loves Shay-man," with a Shaman holding a human heart in the air and people behind him like, applauding and shit.
Mom: Mmhmmm.
Me: Mom?
Mom: Yeah?
Me: Everybody loves shaman?
Mom: What's a shaman?
Me: You know.. a spritual being, a guide to the gods?
Mom: Oh, my college educated daughter, you are so smart.
Me: uh. ok. You like your mom hates freedom?
Mom: hahahahahahaha. yes. Remember when I tried telling you a your mom joke?
Me: yeah and you called yourself so fat that you sit AROUND the house. You dumbass.
Mom: haha. yeah.
Me: How about a shirt where an egg, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon are all wielding weapons and beating up Texas, and the text says "Dont Mess with Breakfast"?
Mom: *loud laughter* i like that. *giggle* don't mess with breakfast. haha. texas sucks, man. remember when i lived there? oh no you dont, you werent born yet.
Me: Miss the hoochie days, do ya?
Mom: Yep.
Me: Did you hear what I just said?
Mom: No.
Me: Dont you pay attention to me?
Mom: I must have ADD. Both of my kids do.
Me: What?
Mom: did you hear what I just said?
Me: No.
Mom: *sigh*
Me: Ooh, what about these two dragons who are looking at each other and one says "wanna get a boca burger?"
Mom: Is that those vegetarian burgers?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: I don't get it.
Me: Ok. Umm.. what about a muffin eating another muffin, and the text says "live and let die."?
Mom: *loud laughter* haha. a muffin eating a muffin.
Me: what about a shirt that just has a picture of an angry orange?
Mom: it could say "orange you mad?!"
Me (to aaron): orange you mad? (aaron shakes his head) (to mom): No.
Mom: Oh.
Me: Orange... julius? Oranges killed the jews?!
Aaron: NO.
Me: Fine.
Mom: What's his deal?
Me: Angry orange.
Mom: Ah. Well, your dad just pulled in.
Me: That's cool.
Mom: If you say so. Ok, I'm gonna go lay down so he doesn't talk to me.
Me: Ok. Love you momma.
Mom: Love you too. Bye.

Starting today and running through the end of the year, the T-Shirt Insurgency will be offering free shipping on any purchases of two t-shirts or more.   So you can now by a “Your Mom Hates Freedom” t-shirt for your sister, and a “Gay on Tuesdays” shirt for your rather flamboyant roommate, and get them shipped to you for free. 

This offer applies to our Standard Domestic Shipping which takes about 5-10 business days once it’s in the mail. 

Also, keep checking the T-Shirt Insurgency blog, as we will be posting a rather amusing new design in the coming days.       

It's a question we get often, regarding the Soy Bomb shirt.  What gives?  Where's the punchline?  What is a Soy Bomb, anyway?  These are valid and understandable thoughts to be having.  Suffice it to say, Soy Bomb Veg Wear was designed as a way for vegetarians and similarly inclined people to express their dietary awesomeness without being preachy or annoying.  Plus, I mean, explosions.  Those are awesome.

    All the insurgents look to their siblings for inspiration and guidance.  Whether it is willowy sexiness, teaching us how to stretch before a rousing game of hermeneutics, or yelling and spilling snacks till all hearts in the living room vicinity expand threefold, our brothers and sisters surprise and support us. 

    Amongst these rambunctious rare birds is my brother Andy Wixon.  Andy is the father and lurking stepfather of The Gentle Pony.  I do not know how to explain the Gentle Pony to you, but any explanation would surely have to begin with a story my brother wrote at a tender age.  This story was called the Lost Eyeball and he rehashes it somewhere at The Lost Eyeball.  I'm not going to try to give you a synopsis because I don't have the fortitude or fey charm of the creator, but this gives you an idea of how far into bizzare we are. 

    I think it is this determined peculiarity that defines my brother's shirts.  He doesnt just tickle conventions, he snakes his way inside them and plays their intestines like a banjo-master giving the last performance before the winter.  But he is never vile or defiant, Andy would rather seduce the Minotaur than slay it.  I dare not offer a shirt by shirt exegesis of my brother's shirts, but I will remind you of something that Milton said in Paradise Lost : "Thence from the ramparts, I saw his scabrous, scorpioned armies assembled.  Admiration, fear, and another paler flower twined in my breast." (Milton in fact said no such thing.)

    My brothers shirts at their worst indulge his prurient Jean-Claude Van Damme fantasies and at best acheive the complexity of a koan.  Where others might shuffle you forward on the duh-conveyor-belt of syllogisms and puns, he invites you to play asphyxiation games with the shimmering scarf of paradox and a gigantic chicken.  The Gentle Pony site has a kind of ascetic bare-bones look to it and I'm sure he would appreciate any feed back you have.  Whether you like it as it is or if you want him to tart it up with some pyrotechnic features.

    I expect we will use this blog to further thank those people, siblings and friends who helped us get to where we are today (wherever that might be).  From the friends who were our only customers for those desolate first few months to the patience of our photographers who have had to endure our endless pouting and extravagant vanity, we thank you all.  As for Andy, who acted as our Tinkerbell, offering luminescent advice and giggles to us as we entered the dark marsh of E-commerce, we thank you as well.  Please take his Gentle Pony on little trot and see if you can't scare up a troll. 

As a result of the recent events surrounding ethnic Kurds in Iraq and Turkey, people have been pressing the Insurgency to make their stance on the Kurdish question known.  Here it is:  The insurgency is pro-Kurdistan.  That is--we support the creation of an independent Kurdish state in parts of what is now Southeastern Turkey, Northern Iraq, Northern Syria, and Northwestern Iran.  

Why: 

The Kurds are the indigenous people of Kurdistan and have a sovereign right to the land and to self-determination.  While not all Kurds presently live within the boundaries of the lines we would suggest for the Kurdish state, If you build it, they will come.  

The Kurds have had their cultural and political rights oppressed since before World War One.  The Iranian Shah banned the Kurdish language, Turkey has denied the Kurds basic cultural rights and political representation since the founding of the country, and Saddam Hussein famously killed thousands of Kurds during his reign.  And that's just a small taste of what they've put up with.  For more check this link out.

The Insurgency is wise to U.S./Israeli funding and arming of PJAK, the Iranian branch of the PKK, and is, of course, wary of the possibility of a U.S. installed head of a new Kurdish state.  We can, unfortunately, already imagine the privatization of the future nation of Kurdistan.  But the fact that nefarious forces may be moving to extract Kurdistan's wealth in order to enrich themselves must not keep Kurdistan from becoming a reality.  That fact is, rather, just one more battle to be fought on the road toward soveriegnty and self-determination. 

The Insurgency will soon make its support for Kurdistan known in T-Shirt form.  And once that happens, can a free and independent Kurdistan be far behind?   

There has been much debate and speculation concerning the beginnings of “Melancholy Ninja” and the tshirt that he spawned.   The story goes like this.  

The four T-shirt Insurgents and some of their closest friends were spending a weekend at a cabin in the Shenandoah Valley.  After a long day of fishing, fighting off bears, playing beer soccer, enduring cattle raids, and making much merry, Matt decided to try to liven up the night in typical Matt fashion.

After downing a glass of Evan Williams and donning a ski mask, Matt started running around waving a bunch of sharp knives.  We rolled our eyes and ignored him.   He became sad.  Most people would see this and think “pathetic”.  Justin saw it and made it “art”. 

This is the Insurgency’s newest product.   And even after we come out with new shirts, this will remain the newest.  

"Your Mom Hates Freedom" gets here tomorrow.  We're pretty hype about this one, mostly because we've always wanted a Your Mom t shirt, and this one still keeps the spirit of the Insurgency. 

Our latest addition comes in both Men's and Women's in the American Apparel Fine Jersey - Navy color.

We'll be out in front of Capitol Hill Books all weekend so DC folks should stop by Eastern Market, buy some used books, and pick up some dope tshirts.

Patriot flapjack update:

 "These Pancakes Don't Run" is now available in both a 2001 Fine Jersey Light Blue color, and for women, in the BB 301 Poly-Cotton Orchid colored shirt.   Must say, they both look pretty good.   Here are some mark-ups.  We'll be getting better looking mark-ups and some photos up soon.

For those of you hankering for more from our "Insurrectionist Breakfast" line, we're actively working on our next design.  Legally, all we can tell you is that it's "super dope" and "possibly green." 

For those of you who may not be familiar with waterboarding, we thought we'd include this handy graphic.

Again, this is a "harsh interrogation method".  Not torture or anything.  And when you're surrounded by the tropical paradise that is southeastern Cuba, do you really care if you feel convinced that you're drowning and close to death?  Probably not.   

Insurgent Matt is sure he could hold out for 4 minutes, but the smart money is on 14 seconds. 

Gitmo shirt 

In these politically polarized times, it is often difficult to decide what is the right position to take on an issue.  

Pick one up today and let the healing begin. 

Also, not really. 

When you purchase our shirts, our shirts become your other supposed to know.  You may then begin the process of belief transference onto this other -- a staggeringly comfortable, non sweatshop t-shirt.  Let us understand the signs for you.  Let us stare down the master signifier and expose its mysteries to you in t-shirt form. 

Maybe you have a friend with an odd sense of humor.  Or a boyfriend who is in danger of becoming a cog or a trained seal.  Our shirts will make your friend laugh and whisper explosions into your boyfriend's drowsy melon. 

Our t-shirts are here to serve.  They are also here to fight.  Whether you are still deeply distressed by the meatpacking industry of the 1890s or some other contemporary danger to freedom, we are with you -- all the way, no matter what it is.

The battle is not up on the podium or in artillery volleys.  The battle has gone underground.  Join the armies of subversion as they rearrange the borders of Absurdistan. 

Here is our weaponized batch, enjoy.  

For those of you who are new to the T-Shirt Insurgency, check our blog often to get updates on what's happening with the Insurgency.   We will touch upon the goings on in the t-shirt world and other worlds yet unclassified.  From bold, historically informed takes on current events like the recent American Apparel model liberation, to meaningless pseudo-intellectual retellings of historical events, the Insurgency blog will keep your finger on the pulse of our cultural moment like nothing else.